The Unworthiness Spell

“And then you were like “fuck this shit.” It isn’t my thing anymore and isn’t serving my soul. And then you returned to life with way less and way more meaning and you slayed and you slayed. Good Day.”

-Tanya Markul

"Don't write to be liked
Don't write to be right.
Don't write to be understood.

Write to become
emotionally literate,
accepting of yourself
and free.

Write to move a culture.
Write a philosophical change.
Write to revolutionize your pain."

-Tanya Markul

If you don't know who Tanya Markul is, you should. She is a brilliant poet with the remarkable ability to put the experience of humanity and womanhood into exquisite words. You can follow her here.

I'm starting this week's Chapter with her words as a reminder to myself. The exercise of writing these each week has been teaching me a lot. Most importantly, what I have to say and even possibly who I want to be in this world.

I've always thought that when people put things that they've created out into the world, it's because they've arrived at a place of knowing, and therefore have been selected to be one of the "puter outers"- The people that have enough knowing, and therefore acquired enough worthiness, to put the thing they have created out into the world.

Actually, if I'm being honest, I think for a long time I believed that it is a requirement to have arrived at a certain place of knowing before the creating even takes place.

But I think I'm learning that I was wrong there. There is no amount of knowledge that one must acquire to create or put those creations out into the world. Nor is there required skill, talent, or experience. The real thing, I have realized, that you need in order to be one of the "puter outers" is courage.

I'm pretty sure we all have something to say. But believing that we are worthy of saying it? That's a whole different ballgame.

And even though I have done so much inner work to live in alignment.. to see myself and the world through a lens of worthiness, love and compassion.. I still slip up constantly.

Yesterday, after a few days of being lost in my mind and my fears, I snapped out of it. I woke up.

Sam Harris, of Waking Up, describes this process, "learning to break the spell of the story you're telling yourself about your experience."

We live so much of our lives in these spells.

"Unworthiness spells," I'll call them.

When we get stuck in the "I should's" or the "not enough's".. of worry, stress, fear.. it all feels like a tightening inside.

And I've been stuck there for a few days.

Stuck in too much doing and not enough being.

And one thing I've learn in "doing the work" is that it is absolutely critical that we lean into the being..

Being present with my life and the world around me.
Being inside my body, listening to what it is trying to tell me. 
Being quiet enough with myself to hear my own voice.

But I wasn't doing any of those things.

I was worrying, pushing, having uncomfortable feelings in my body but not taking the time to look at them, acknowledge them, sort through and recognize the story I am stuck inside of..

But I busted out of the spell once again.. snapped back into myself.

How did I do it this time?

Journaling. Again.

Damn I've learned this lesson so many times.

..But then life. 

Over time I've picked up many practices that help keep me aligned. These are what keep me on the journey of living a deeply examined life. There are all sorts of different tools you can use. Journaling, meditation and walks in nature are my big 3. 

When I do this, I have the time and the space to listen to all that's going on up there inside my head. It's an opportunity for me to dump all those thoughts that are running around in my head.. pull apart the stories, examine them, challenge them.

Often, those stories, the ones creating so much fear and anxiety in my body.. the ones that dictate how I show up in my life.. once I step back to really look at them, I often realize they are not even true. And once I wake up to those lies, I am free to come back home to myself.

So I continue the process.. I don't give up because I faltered for a few days.

I start again.. I journal and write down all the things swirling in my head and then I notice.. listen.. learn.

And it's a beautiful freakin thing. And my life is better when I do it.

And I know this. I've seen the pattern time and time again. But life still got me this week..

And that's ok. 

It happens.. being human and all.

Another practice that I've picked up recently is having some go-to mantras that I can call upon when I notice I'm stuck inside of an unworthiness spell.. to challenge the unhelpful and untrue stories that are inside of me. 

For me, these mantras often come from the wise words of my favorite poet, Tanya Markul. Her words are a balm to my aching soul, wise and powerful.. I feel her power, her energy, rising up and echoing inside of me..

"Fuck this shit."

It's not my thing anymore and isn't serving my soul.

And then I returned to my life..

with way less regret (knowing I am good enough just as I am in this very moment)

Way more meaning (sat down to write this to connect with you beautiful humans)

And then I slayed (took a walk in a beautiful forest)

and slayed (watched a movie with my favorite tiny humans).

And I had a good day.

___

Say love my friends,
Caitlin