The Lies We Tell Ourselves

“Tell the truth to yourself and the rest will fall in place.”

-The Avett Brothers

Hello friends!

Today I wanted to begin to address a reader question. And I use the word begin here very intentionally as this is a topic that is deserving of much more than the space I am giving it today. I've known I've wanted to write about this topic for some time but the truth is it's a bit of an overwhelming question to answer. 

The main question that I have gotten from readers so far has been some version of this: "How do I know when I'm in alignment with my authentic self?"

The topic of the journey to oneself, to your authentic truth.. I could talk about it endlessly (I actually do if you ask my family and friends). But it's a complex idea.. a complex concept. It is living in a way that is so counter to our culture that it takes a lot of unlearning and more learning to understand. 

In its simplest form, you are in alignment with your authentic self when you are living from a place of love.

Loving yourself enough to know that you are worthy. Loving yourself enough to listen to your inner truth. Loving who you truly are deep down.. when you're not lying to yourself.

"Lying to myself? I don't lie to myself," you may think.

As a way of adaptation to our culture, we as humans have actually gotten really good at lying to ourselves.. so much so that often we don't realize we are doing it.. but we all do. It's been developed as a survival mechanism. 

As an illustration of this point, I will give an example that Martha Beck uses in her book, The Way of Integrity. The story goes something like this:

She was in an auditorium giving a speech when she asked the audience, "are you comfortable right now?"

Most of them smiled and nodded.

"Are you really?" she asked again.

Yes, most people answered. 

"Are you absolutely sure that you are comfortable right now?"

This line of questioning went on for a while and until the audience insists.. "Yes, they are absolutely certain that they are absolutely comfortable."

Then she asks, "If you were at home right now, how many of you would be sitting in the position you're in at this moment?"

The audience conceded that no, they would not be sitting this way.. in this upright position in this rigid chair if they were at home.

But when asked if they were comfortable, they all vehemently agreed that they were. 

This is a very basic example to illustrate one of the many ways that we lie to ourselves.

We all do it. It's the way that we have adapted to our culture around us. 

Here's a passage from The Way of Integrity where Beck explains what is happening in this phenomenon:

"The problem here isn't the discomfort itself- humans are tough as junkyard dogs; they'll be fine. The problem is that these people are simultaneously feeling uncomfortable and swearing that they're completely comfortable.

What they really mean is something like this: "Given that I've been taught since childhood to sit in chairs for long periods, my present discomfort is easy to tolerate." Their brains put this filter on their experience automatically, so that they can look me straight in the eyes and lie, repeatedly, without even realizing it. Their culture says they're comfortable. Their nature knows they're not."

Yes this example represents a very simple lie and one that doesn't cause much harm or have a big impact in our lives.

But take a second to ask yourself, what have we culturally adapted to that is causing harm in our lives?

Here are some lies that I was telling myself that I've woken up to while doing this work the last two years.

• That my marriage was good and solid and didn't need attention or work.

• That I was ok giving so much of myself away to my family (that's what I signed up for when I decided to have children- right?).

• That my past trauma was not impacting my current life.

• That I was perfectly content not working.. and letting go of the dreams that I once held for my life when I was younger.

• That I could do this all on my own.. I didn't need anyone or anything outside of myself. 

These and many many others. It's a journey. It's a process. It's hard and deep work this business of telling yourself the truth.

The real truth.. the deep down truth.. the truth that we may be holding inside our bodies but not able to yet recognize with our minds.

So what's a person to do? How do we know?

ANSWER: LISTEN TO YOUR BODY

It knows the way. It will tell you how to live in alignment with your authentic truth.

What we have been taught to do, instead, is to listen to our minds. And this is very misleading because your brain has a bunch of information stored that may be giving you an inaccurate perception of reality. And often these inaccurate perceptions are the cause of much of our fear.. of our anxiety, our shame, our stress.

But the body.. the body does not lie. It tells you the way. The problem is we've never been taught to listen to it.. and in turn, many of us have become numb.

So our work in this journey is the practice of getting quiet enough to listen. Listen to the physical sensations in your body, and whenever you can, take action to satisfy what your body is telling you.

Here's a practice you can try right now:

Close your eyes and take a few breaths. Notice the physical sensations in your body. For practice, pick the place in your body that you feel the strongest energy radiating from (whatever that energy may be.. positive or negative). Place your hand on that place in your body and continue to breathe with your eyes closed.

Ask yourself, "what's here for me? What is underneath this feeling?"

Then be quiet and listen.

Did anything come up for you? Trust yourself that the message you received is the one you were meant to.

Now, take action on what your body is telling you.

If it is telling you it desires to rest, rest.

If it is telling you it desires to create, create.

If it is telling you it desires to connect, connect.

And then notice how your body responds.

When you are living as your authentic self, your body will feel peaceful, energized and expansive.

When you are pushing against it, you will feel the opposite.. contraction, exhaustion and agitation.

One of the many problems with our culture is that we value not listening to our bodies. We value the pushing harder, the striving to override what our body is telling us.

I understand there are many times in life that our responsibilities do require us to push against what our nature wants.

But I challenge you to take the time to ask yourself, do I really need to be doing this right now? Do I need to be pushing against what my body is telling me?

What would happen if I actually gave my body what it desired?

I believe there are many more moments than we acknowledge in all of our lives where there is an opportunity to tell ourselves the truth and then live it.. but it takes a deliberate challenging of what culture has taught us.

This is hard work.. but so worth it.

Because here's the thing.. that part inside of you- the part of you where your truth lives- that's the most important part of you. Because it's who you truly are. It's the essence of you. It's your soul.

And when you get in touch with your soul, that's where the magic happens.

___

Say love my Friends,
Caitlin