Integrity

“Integrity is the cute to unhappiness. Period.”

-Martha Beck

I have so many things I want to share with you that I don't know where to start.

I decided to go with a story today because everyone says stories will keep the reader's attention. Oh, and it can't just be any story.. a really good story needs to be authentic..real.

Shit (vulnerability necessary). Well ok here goes. 

Some of you might be wondering, how did it come to be that I would be writing this newsletter that you are reading right now? I guess the best place to start is the beginning.

I'd say this journey started when my last baby was born which is slightly over 3 years ago. Having my last baby ended my era of me "having babies".. and really my last era of having a next thing. My life thus far had been pretty traditional.. I followed the path of the "right" thing to do. And up until this point there was always a next right thing.  

Ya know.. school, college, get a job, get married, grad school, buy a house, have babies, put some money in the bank.. Like seriously, I did all of the things that I was supposed to. But after my last child was born I realized there wasn't anything else on my "life to-do list" until retirement and the kids were out of the house.. about 20 years from now.

Which left me thinking..

No. No deal for me. F that. 

Here's the thing.. with no next hurdle to climb, no next achievement that I could look to, the illusion that my happiness could come from an external source started to fade. There was nothing I could look to anymore and believe, "I'll be happy when I get there."

And although I checked all the boxes of the life that I thought would make me happy, reality is I still felt like shit most of the time.

I mean in some ways I was "happy".. I did love my life when I took the time to take a step back and think about it. I have so much more than so many people. Incredible privilege. How could I ever complain?

I mean yes, I generally felt burnt out.. I was exhausted, lived with constant brain fog and struggled to make it through the day to make it to bedtime to get to my sweet sweet relief at the end of the night.. the binging of reality tv. And yes I was staying up way later than I should because I knew that if I went to bed, I'd have to go to sleep and then get up and do the whole thing over again.

But that's life. It's hard. That's just how life is, right? Right?!?

It turns out that no. That's not how life is. That's how our culture is. 

At that time if you had asked me if I was happy, I would given a resounding yes, and in many ways I was. But I was also deeply deeply suffering. 

That's one thing I've learned about suffering. It doesn't discriminate. 

But it was tolerable. Then came the pandemic and like almost everyone else, anxiety got the best of me. The suffering that I had been able to stuff down and manage for all of those years tipped unmanageable. 

That's the thing about change.. it usually only happens when the pain of staying the same becomes more painful than the pain of changing.

And at that point, a few months into the pandemic, life became too scary, too unmanageable, too painful for me to stay the same anymore. 

So I got help. It came in several different forms. Therapy, coaching, online courses, books, podcasts, and online communities of women creating change in their lives. I met incredible mentors and made incredible friends. 

And I learned.. SO damn much. And I grew and I changed.

And guess what? I don't feel like shit anymore. 

Ok, I feel like shit WAY WAY less than I used it (I am human after all). 

And I can't wait to tell you more about it.

___

Say love my friends, 
Caitlin